There is a quote attributed to Albert Einstein that I tried to live by while teaching that goes something like this: “If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough.” (It takes on a special meaning when trying to teach factoring quadratic equations.) Perhaps that is why I have been struggling with putting on paper what I am exploring lately.
Recently I met with a Godly mother who is also working through the grief of losing a son. While her particular circumstances may differ from mine, we are still sisters in this journey as we search for how we use the lessons we are learning to glorify God.
Maybe it comes from clinging to Romans 8:28:
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
For me, I tend to figure that since the loss of our guys is so painful, there should be some great purpose that comes from it, that I should be using it to further God’s Kingdom in some way. And so, I write these essays that a handful of people have read, but I have no idea of how to publish them, or Bob and I speak in church occasionally, or we lead a Bible study for young men in a couple of group homes. All are worthy endeavors, but they just don’t seem to have the kind of impact upon our world that is worthy of the loss we have experienced. It’s as if I want this great pain I have felt to have some type of good to come from it and a deepening of my relationship with God is just not cutting it. I want to be able to point to something and say, “There. That is what came from the loss of our guys. That is what gives validation to our grief and suffering.”
What I fear is that it really is a sense of entitlement for a worthy cause as a result of losing my son, and that becomes dangerous as I try to dictate to God about how his plans for me should be working. It chafes me, because I like to plan and organize my life. My planning and organizing inclinations became a little obsessive after we lost the guys, I suspect as a coping mechanism for controlling my life when it felt out of my control. So, while I have truly offered my life to God for his purposes, I also kind of have some conditions in the back of my mind about what that should look like. Simply, I would like to plan it out.
Jeremiah 29:11 says,
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
I could wax educational and talk about how God’s plans to prosper us are to make us thrive or succeed according to Collins Dictionary and that we have hope for now as well as a future, both here on Earth as well as in Heaven. Sometimes though, you just want evidence or a sneak peek at that future…..
As I was reflecting upon my visit last Sunday night with that beautiful lady I had what I’m calling a 29:11 moment. It occurred to me that Sunday night’s meeting was really a part of God’s plan that had been set in motion over 40 years ago. Back then this lady I had met with was a teenager who was dating the guy who would be my husband. While he was active in his Catholic church, he really didn’t have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. He had related to me about how she broke up with him because she felt strongly that she should not be unequally yoked with someone who wasn’t a Christian. That break-up propelled him to seek that personal relationship, which in turn made him ready to be “equally yoked” with me after we met a few years later.
One of Bob’s goals has been to personally thank all the people who had a part in finding our guys after their plane went down in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. Even though that search turned into a recovery instead of a rescue, he wanted to make sure they knew we will always be grateful to them. I suspect that desire seeped over into a wish to let this lady know the positive impact that teenage break-up had upon our lives when social media made it possible to connect with her. She had no way of knowing that the foundation started with his salvation after that break-up would carry us through both some tough times in our relationship as well as the loss of our son. That Facebook reconnection occurred at just the right time after the loss of her son as well as her daughter’s accident to make our sharing worthwhile……
While we may long for a glance forward to see just what God’s plans are, or even a say in how they work out, I am reminded that this is an example of how I can see in the rear-view mirror how they have worked for my good.
My Sunday School class has been working through the red words (what Jesus said) in the gospels of Matthew and Mark. I hadn’t really ever noticed before just how much Jesus quoted the Torah. Growing up he had prepared himself for his ministry.
I have to believe that God is allowing me time to prepare myself as well. This journaling and studying and memorizing scripture are preparing me; Maybe it’s just for when I finally get to Heaven or perhaps there is one person I will be able to speak a message to about God’s love in difficult circumstances. The thing is, I know from looking in my rear-view mirror occasionally that “stuff” has happened that has to be a part of God’s plan to prosper me, that gives me hope and a resolve to try and be patient as I live my blessed life. I just need to trust in God’s plan and recognize that even though it may not look like what I would do, his plan is far better than what I could put in place.